Spring is here. The season of renewal, of starting life anew. How poetic for me. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream, and suddenly five years have gone by. Trying to get my health in order has been no simple task. I had been telling myself to not worry about how long it takes, as long as I manage to come out healthy on the other side. Yet, now I look around and realize how fast time has gone by while I’ve been taking it slow. I can’t shake the feeling that I have to somehow make up for lost time. No matter what I’m doing, I constantly get the feeling I should be doing something else.
Then I realize that this is all somehow familiar. Maybe not as strongly as now, but I’ve felt this way before. It’s as though I need to learn the same lesson over and over again. As if I was forgetting something I knew before. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten difficult lessons of the past. Somewhere along the way I had lost my way again.
I find myself at a crossroads. What now?
“Where are you supposed to be?” “Are you where you’re supposed to be?” I find myself asking these questions. When I stop and think about it, the closest I’ve ever been to having a satisfying answer was in Japan. But even then, I had doubts. I would sometimes ask myself, “is this really where I’m supposed to be? Am I really doing what I should be doing?” The world is such a big place – I could be doing so many different things. Maybe it’s only natural as humans to constantly search for greener pastures. And the grass is always greener on the other side. It’s so easy to take what we have for granted. The search for a better and better paradise is always ongoing. Perhaps the only solution is to become paradise. They say the home is where the heart is, and if that is true, then my true home is right here, with me always, beating inside my chest. My problem isn’t the place I’m in. It is me.
At least now I know this from before: It is always worth it to start over. Always. Even when in the depths of despair, choose rebirth.
It’s time to build myself back up from nothing again. How many times have I done this before? It should be nothing new, but it never gets easier. It’s time to choose a direction. It’s time to choose who to be.
Spring has come once again,
I think about you now and then.
Cloudy skies, bleeding heart,
Wish we never had to part.
Muddy paths, icy streets,
Where is really home for me?
I walk this path on my own,
Feeling somewhere far from home,
Did I leave my heart somewhere?
This burden is so much to bear,
Holding onto something of some kind,
In my head, on my mind,
Maybe I can leave it all behind,
And return to you someday.
Become strong and walk away,
From all I know, once again.
I think about you now and then.
Gloomy days, and cloudy skies,
Anxious thoughts and teary eyes,
Dirty roads and melting snow,
On this path, I walk alone.
Starting over one more time,
Leaving everything behind.
I do it all with you in mind.
Home is where the heart is,
but where is mine?
In front of me, two paths to choose,
Time is short, but I’ll wait for you.
The lake reflects the trees above,
Will you ever know my love?
Renewal blooms from those trees,
Could that be the same for me?
Rainy weather, lonely hikes,
Longer days and shorter nights,
I dream of seeing you again,
I think about you now and then.
Where am I supposed to be?
I think it’s time for me to leave.
I close my eyes, and make believe,
The truth is that you’re all I see.
Has it all been too long?
All this time, have I been wrong?
Places to be, places to go,
Calm yourself down, try taking it slow,
Just one step at a time,
But no matter what, time still flies.
Will this weight ever get lighter?
I miss those days that were brighter,
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye,
But now begin a new chapter in life.
Spring has come once again,
But ultimately, in the end,
I still think about you now and then.