mental health – Down Here on Earth

What Happens Next?

Last time I went through a crisis like this, I thought, ‘I’m the toughest person I know,’ and I managed to push through it. But I’m not so sure I’m that tough anymore…

A few years ago my health took a turn for the worse. And a couple years into declining health, I wrote the following:

Last time I went through a crisis like this, I thought, ‘I’m the toughest person I know,’ and I managed to push through it. Through the problems, through the surgeries, through the pain. But I’m not so sure I’m that tough anymore. I’ve come to realize I’m just someone who can’t give up. No matter how much I want to. And I’ve never wanted to more than now. Something deep inside me just knows that’s not an option. I’ve been straddling this line between “I don’t want to do this anymore” and “I just have to get through this.” But I do constantly wonder, is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I still can’t see it yet. It’s been so long and I still can’t see it yet.

I’ve struggled with this for about ten years now, but nothing’s been worse than these last two. Not my previous surgeries, not what caused them. This is the hardest it’s ever gotten. The most difficult it’s ever been. The pain. The lack of energy. Feeling like I just can’t do anything. Helpless. It’s rough.

Yet, before this whole episode, I remember someone asking me how I could have so much hope for the future, and it really caught me off-guard. I didn’t understand. All I could think was, ‘how could you not?’ I don’t get the concept of not having hope. Why would you wake up in the morning? How could you? When it comes right down to it, hope is the only thing we truly have.

Turn your fear into faith. Hope for the best, do your best, free yourself from worry, regret nothing.

Even though it was years ago, it feels like this is all still right behind me. But I am doing better now and it’s time to move on. I have spent a lot of time reading and keeping up with current events, as well as continuing to study what I focused on in university: Societal systems of control – propaganda, media, culture, religion, psychology, philosophy. What guides or pushes society in any given direction, and how? How does the world really work? To move on, I must write. These are the topics and questions I will explore and investigate in upcoming blog posts.

If you follow the news or recent events at all, you may think the world is going to hell. The West is in a death spiral. And with the overwhelming amount of information out there – both true and untrue – it can be extremely confusing and exhausting to parse. You may not realize it, but we are in the midst of a spiritual war – a war for your mind.

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Sickness is health. Why does it seem like these statements can so accurately describe the narrative of our current times? Is everything really so backwards? How did we get here? I’m reminded of a core principle of propaganda: Everything in this world is neither good nor evil, but public opinion makes it so. This means no matter what good or evil outcome is desired in the world, warping public opinion makes it possible to accomplish. You can convince the masses that evil is good, or good is evil through propaganda. Things may seem bleak, but whatever problem we find ourselves in, there is still hope. So how do we turn this around?

Plato argued that a unified narrative was required for a stable society. Currently, we have internet algorithms giving us a plethora of narratives so different that they are nearly impossible to reconcile. It is difficult to have a meaningful conversation with someone when you can’t even agree on basic facts. We are basically speaking different languages at this point, and everything is falling apart. It’s a modern day tower of Babel.

I will be discussing this and so much more in what’s to come. I wish to deep dive the problems plaguing society. They say a lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. I aim to be that truth that has finally put its pants on.

You can subscribe to this blog with your email to stay up to date with my posts, or you can follow me on Facebook. I am truly grateful for your support.

What’re You Made Of?

I keep thinking to myself, “it’s probably just a matter of time before I really get it.”

Japan. Where the background music is in English, but nobody can understand it. The land of the rising sun. Where any amount of time I spend trying to get to know it feels like it’s not enough. There’s just so much to it. It’s a whole ‘nother world.

For my last post I decided to put to paper my deepest feelings about the struggles of moving here. It’s been a journey of discovery. About the world and about myself. And it’s certainly been a struggle. Some days feel like I’m in some kind of exotic theme park, while others feel like there’s an impenetrable barrier between myself and everyone else. And those other days can really break you down. But it takes some breaking down to see what you’re really made of.

The move to northern Japan went relatively smoothly, but going from a comfortable western-friendly city lifestyle to being dropped in the thick of rural Japanese culture has been a huge shock. Another bout of culture shock. I feel I’m closer to the core of Japanese culture, but there’s still so much I don’t understand. And it doesn’t help that the accent is so different here. But to be fair, I was warned about this before I came here. Japanese friends told me they couldn’t understand anyone out here, even though they’re still speaking Japanese. I feel like I’m in the Newfoundland of Japan. (Canny a word adem Newfies.)

Everyday it’s as though I’m sent down the rapids to navigate through my day. It’s a bumpy ride, and I have no idea what’s going on on a daily basis, but whatever it is, it’s happening regardless, so son-of-a-bitch, I’m in. I’ll figure it out eventually. Hopefully.
But even if I don’t, I’m at least enjoying myself. Picking up whatever responsibility I can, trying to learn and do my best.

I keep thinking to myself, “it’s probably just a matter of time before I really get it.” But how long do I have? And how long does culture shock last? Until I fully integrate with this new place I find myself in? Can I really do that? It’s all so different here, compared to back home in Canada. Part of the same world, yet somehow worlds apart.

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I feel like I’m missing something. I find myself feeling nostalgic for old Canadian things I used to use, eat, watch, experience. Maybe I’m finally homesick.

Sometimes it’s hard not to just feel like I’m some kind of spectacle out here. Allow me to paint the scene: I walk into class. Emphatic surprised noises echo amongst the students. The Japanese teacher says something along the lines of, “BEHOLD! as I attempt to communicate with this foreigner.” And there I stand, trying not to embarrass myself (too much), trying to speak in this strange balancing act of actual English and something they might understand.

But those everyday struggles, – the simple things that wouldn’t even cross your mind back home – they feel like big accomplishments when you don’t know the language or the customs or the rules. Somehow something so small begins to feel so big. Baby steps, I suppose. Even if you fall flat on your face every time, at least you’re getting somewhere. Getting through those everyday struggles, breaking down, and rebuilding yourself – that’s when you start to find out. What’re you made of? Something that sinks? Or something that can swim? Maybe you’re someone who can tread water after all.

It’s Been a While

Anything worth doing is worth doing now.

Life happens. Everyone seems to only get busier with it. Time flies by faster and faster. Suddenly you look back and another couple of years just went by. What even happened?

I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like to. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll eventually find the time, but I only discover more and more that I have to make the time. And to be honest, there are a lot of things in my life I have taken this viewpoint on. Procrastination sure is a big problem, isn’t it? Being a perfectionist doesn’t help. I feel the need to wait until I have gathered all information I possibly can and taken everything into consideration. On the surface this seems rational, but if we actually look at it rationally, you just can’t possibly have all of the information, let alone have taken everything into consideration. What usually happens is that you wait, and wait, until you have no other choice but to act (and you generally just make a split-second decision, anyway). Deadlines used to help me do this, but with my own blog I can make my own deadlines (which, in the past, has meant I don’t have any deadlines – oops). So where does that leave us? It seems to me a good solution to act when you have a good grasp of the situation. Identifying that point may be its own problem, but taking this all into consideration should help. There comes a time in life when you have to just act. I’ve come to realize my life is something I have to actively mold into what I want. Every day is a choice. And the only place to begin is now; because here is where we are. So I’d like to start up my blog again. I’d like to share more of what I’ve worked on over the years. Maybe I’ll even end up sharing some poetry.

This year will be the beginning of a whole new adventure – a brand new chapter in my life. I’m moving to Asia. Will I be able to keep up with my blog? I hope so. I suspect part of it will get a lot more personal as I experience new places, people, and cultures; and wish to share those experiences. I still intend to finish the posts I was preparing previously, but the initial purpose of this whole project was for me to write about whatever I wanted to write about; and I will stay true to that.

On that note, I have also been researching a few other topics that interest me and I will be rearranging the list of things I want to cover on this blog. Why are mental health issues rising at an alarming rate in our society? Why do we seem so divided? What, if anything, can we do to fix this mess we find ourselves in? These are a few of the questions I’ve been asking, and I’ve come across some very compelling answers.

New technologies have given us access to a plethora of information – so much, in fact, that it would be impossible for a single person to ever take it all in within their lifetime. I don’t claim to have all of the answers. Anyone who does should not be trusted. But I would like to do my part by focusing on and making sense of what interests me.

-Tim